Keep deception and lies far from me,

Give me neither poverty nor riches; feed me with the food that is my portion, lest I be full and deny You and say, “Who is the LORD?” or lest I be poor, and steal and profane the name of my God.

Let me not be too comforted nor rich nor well fed, only to be mourning and weeping later. But may I declare, “I am the blessed poor, for the kingdom of God is mine!”

    "Until I learned to trust,
    I never learned to pray.
    I never learned to fully trust
    Till sorrows came my way.

    Until I felt my weakness,
    His strength I never knew;
    Nor dreamed till I was stricken
    That He would see me through.

    Who deepest drinks of sorrow,
    Drinks deepest, too, of grace.
    He sends the storm so He Himself
    Can be our Hiding Place.

    The touch that heals the wounded heart,
    Is never felt above.
    His angels know His blessedness,
    His wayworn saints, His love.

    His heart that seeks our highest good
    Knows well when things annoy.
    We would not long for Heaven,
    If earth held only joy.

    "Until I learned to trust,
       I never learned to pray.
    I never learned to fully trust
       Till sorrows came my way.

    Until I felt my weakness,
       His strength I never knew;
    Nor dreamed till I was stricken
       That He would see me through.

    Who deepest drinks of sorrow,
       Drinks deepest, too, of grace.
    He sends the storm so He Himself
       Can be our Hiding Place.

    The touch that heals the wounded heart,
       Is never felt above.
    His angels know His blessedness,
       His wayworn saints, His love.

    His heart that seeks our highest good
       Knows well when things annoy.
    We would not long for Heaven,
       If this earth held only joy.

    I shall soon be with Christ in Glory,
       And His radiant beauty behold.
    I will then know the rest of the story;
       The half that has never been told.

    I'm getting quite homesick for Heaven,
       Where Jesus my Savior is gone.
    His promise to me He has given;
       I'll see Him some day on the throne.

    And then, in the regions of Glory,
       In His wonderful likeness I'll shine.
    0, how I long to be with Him and like 

Him:
       This wonderful Savior divine!"

We just wanna say a big thank you to all of you for showering us with so much care and concern during this time. We are comforted by you.

Update 1 – Healing Progress:

I’ve recovered emotionally (I shall more another time) and am mostly fine now. God’s healing has been amazingly fast. Even my oral surgeon commented on that.  

As you all know, I lost the upper right incisor. The other incisors and canines suffered cracks. My gum also suffered multiple abrasions. I just got my denture yesterday but I will not wear it yet so as to allow my compromised teeth and gum more time to heal before loading them with a denture. When my teeth are stable, the Orthodontist will then assess my condition and perform a long-term treatment to replace my missing tooth.

Also, the swell on my shin has largely subsided, but the crack in the bone will take time to heal. I no longer limp and can walk a greater distance.

Update 2 – Dental treatment:

The orthodontist has advised on 2 treatments – a dental implant to replace the missing tooth or braces to close the gap.

(1) Dental implants – This is a 2-stage surgical treatment which involves the surgeon drilling a hole into my jawbone to place an artificial root and about 6 months later, to load an implant. Length of treatment is approx 2 years. However this procedure is not ideal as a surgical implant can fail.

(2) The other option is to do braces. The orthodontist will move my teeth one by one to close the gap. This treatment is ideal as the success rate is high and it is minimally invasive. Length of treatment slightly longer – about 2.5yrs.

And this is the tricky bit. Both treatments are dependent on how significant my bone loss is. If I lose much bone, I will have to undergo a bone grafting procedure, where the surgeon extracts bone from my jaw or other parts of body to form the base, before they fill the root and load an implant or braces. This is a surgery and I hope I will not have to go through this. As of yesterday, I have some bone loss. Leo and I are praying that God will restore whatever that’s lost and even over and above, so that the treatment can be as minimally invasive as possible.

Update 3 – Insurance

We ran into some complications with my insurance and we are making a special appeal to them to look into our unique situation. i.e. they have a 90days window for bills to be claimed while my braces can only start 3-4mths later after my teeth are stabilized;  also, as I can only claim for hospitalization and for surgery, not too sure if the insurance company will have issue recognizing our braces treatment if we are doing that. We have also been receiving confusing information from our agent.

Do pray for us that we will find favour and that our insurance company will support our treatment financially. Thanks!

Update 4 – Trip to Country X:

I’ll be traveling to Country X on 30 May to 4 Jun to link up and resource the poor. Appreciate if you could cover me with your prayer support. I hope to meet up with you to share more about Country X after I come back. Meanwhile, you can find out more about my work at www.starfiship.net

About an hr later, I looked more horrible than this!

Photo taken TWO days after the accident

My lips and gum were bruised and swollen. I’ve ulcers in my mouth. I lost a upper front tooth; there are cracks across all my front teeth. I was given 3 to 4 stitches inside my mouth and another 2 stitches for the open wound under my lip. There is also a crack on my left shin.

So what happened?

We were driving down Cameron Highlands when our brakes malfunctioned. For a good 3-4 seconds, the brakes simply got stuck! And we were approaching this bend that is almost 180 degrees! Our car was moving faster and faster down the slope. On the right is the hilly terrain, on the left is a moderately sloping ravine. Charging to us was a jeep. We crashed head-on but at the corner (thank God!) into the jeep.

I was sleeping when our cars collided. The next thing I knew, I was rudely awaken to a mouthful of blood. I didn’t even know I was bleeding until I felt something choking me and I coughed. That was when I knew I was bleeding! I was shocked. I spit out those blood, and soon before I knew it, blood welled up in my mouth and I had to spit them out again. I was bleeding profusely. Leo got a shock when he saw me.

To cut the long story short, I bled for a good 4 hours before I got treated. The wait for the ambulance and later at Ipoh Hospital was terrible. It’s a miracle that I didn’t faint from the loss of blood.

***

This was one of the most traumatic, near-death experiences in our lives.

Both after and prior to the actual accident, Leo kept coming across passages of death in the bible. In fact, 4 or 5 passages in total, each time he opened the bible. The day after the accident, God gave him the revelation that the enemy has sent us the spirit of death. Leo asked for a confirmation of the revelation and Psalm 31:8 just came to his mind. He was shocked when he read the verse, Psalm 31:8 – “And You have not given me over into the hand of the enemy…”

Satan knew that Leo, like most Singapore drivers, did not know that brakes can overheat and jam. He knew that though Leo never intended to drive in this trip, much more drive to Cameron Highlands, Satan had his schemes to orchestrate Leo to be driving an unfamiliar car down Cameron Highlands for the sake of the family. He wanted to stop us, he wanted to prevent us from God’s destiny And if he can’t take our lives for God forbids him, he will want to destroy us in our work for God. Satan knew I am Leo’s biggest soft spot, so he wanted to destroy my emotions, destroy our marriage and break Leo down with guilt. He knew I will be going to many nations in my new missions coordinator job and ministry. In fact, Satan knew that I would be going Indochina for work the following week. (Interestingly, one of the key person I have to meet on this trip was also re-hospitalized!) He wanted to silence me – and if can’t take my life, the next best thing is to silence me, literally. I can’t speak for several days after the accident. He want to stop me from spreading God’s resources, to make me self conscious so that I would not face anyone with a missing front tooth. He knew my soft spot was pain, and for a lady, looks.

But praise God that He would not allow us to be tempted more than what we can bear. However, we must confess it was indeed a trying time not just in terms of physical pain, but psychologically and emotionally. At one time of weakness, our meaning of continual existence was even questioned. We saw the spirit of death playing it’s work in our thoughts and words… Words of despair, regret, guilt and despondence were uttered…

“No, stop darling.. We got to pray!” This was perhaps the wisest words uttered at that point of despondence. We started to pray. We prayed in our mind and spirit. We prayed for deliverance, we prayed for our Saviour’s help. We prayed out of that little spiritual strength left in us. So little we felt like there’s nothing. We really felt total, utter dependence on God, that should He not turn up, we would not know how to fight on our battles. We knew God has called us to a destiny, and we were going through many battles then. With our faith firmly in Him, we have seen His victories and miracles! But by now, we have lost our confidence to face even the next tiny battle…Doubt was coming upon us… “Jesus, save us!” It felt almost like this feeble desperate cry to Him, not unlike what Peter has uttered before the brink of destruction…

Thank God for though despair last for a moment, God’s deliverance comes quickly in the morning. Jesus heard our cry, and there was peace. Then, restoration. Then, victory. Hope returns. Faith rebuilds. Psalm 31 ministered to us thoroughly – God preserves His faithful. Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord.

“Majesty, Majesty, Your grace has found me just as I am, Empty handed but alive in Your hands“ – We both cried as we sang to this part in our worship. Suddenly, we could understand the deeper meaning of the words. Oh how we have been found by His grace, and oh how empty we are, and oh how on earth have we remained because He has kept us alive in His hands… Do we still have what it takes to do His will? Well, we realized it’s not about how strong we are… no longer… we were humbled by the fragility of our lives and spiritual strength, yet we were awed by His total control and sovereignty. We knew God had allowed this. He allowed this for a purpose. Someone asked, “Does God have the right to do anything to your lives?” Let dust remain as dust in our knowledge. Let dust remember the privilege that we’re now a man because of His grace, not entitlement. Let dust revere the Majesty who gave Life and son-ship to him, forever. Do all things still work for the good of those who love Him? Absolutely!

***

1) We thank God that we were alive. Had we not collided with the jeep, we could have crashed into the barrier or into the hills and our vehicle overturned. We could have hit the jeep head on fully and not at the corner. We could even have steered left and fall off the hills. Or the brakes could have malfunctioned the earlier turn, where we would then go vertically down the ravine! God provided the jeep and guarded our brakes till the best time, best place for it to fail, for the safest crash.

2) We thank God that no one from the other jeep was injured. Not even a bruise. They all escaped unharmed. And can you believe, there were 4 of them! This was despite both vehicles hit each other at speed from the opposite direction!

3) Thank God my dad and Leo only suffered minor injuries. The impact was supposedly greatest for Leo, yet he escaped with minor bruises on his knee. *Seat belts are important – even for back passengers. The car did not have seat belts at the back, which was why I was badly injured…

4) Thank God I didn’t suffer more injuries. The impact of the collision was so great that my front upper tooth flew out from it’s root and Leo’s wedding ring flew out from his finger! (thank God he found it) With such an impact, had I hit my jaw, face or head, the consequences would have been dire.

5) Thank God for healing our trauma. I was sleeping when the accident happened, so one of the most traumatic thing was, I didn’t know how and why the accident occurred. All I knew was I was awaken by shouting and a great jerking impact, then a mouthful of blood. At that time, I felt so sorry for myself. I was the most innocent, but worst hit (if I get hit, Leo gets hit as well for he’s the driver, and I am his soft spot). I couldn’t eat nor drink. I even had difficulty drinking from a straw. I was really upset. Top it off, everyone around me told me I’m lucky to be alive. They didn’t know my pain. I couldn’t believe I was lucky until….

the 4th day after the accident, God gave me a vision. He brought me back to the scene and showed me how everything happened. He showed me how we could have died (and the probability that happening was very high) but He sent a jeep to save us. He didn’t send any other car, but a strong vehicle as that of a jeep. I was really thankful. Really, really thankful.

Indeed, the eyes of the Lord roam over the earth, to watch over His people. God is great! He is good. May His name be exalted. May He prepare our hearts and spirit so that we will last all kinds of testings and trials that the end days may bring us.

Praise Him we are still alive to serve Him.

- Roxanne and Leo

This article is taken from Israel’s Yediot Acharonot newspaper last Nov. Titled “A Vacuum Cleaner Captured a Snake”, I really feel the word “captured” is an understatement. Here’s the translation of the article I found on the net:

A few days ago Efi Frida returned to her home in Mizpe Avtalyon in the Galilee and tried to turn on her Roomba. After a few failed tries, Efi opened the machine and to her surprise, found that during one of the vacuuming sessions, it caught a Vipera Palaestinae. The Roomba is built to vacuum the dust independently under beds and cabinets.

About 6 months ago, Efi & her husband purchased the robot to assit them in the household cleaning, where 2 children Jonathan and Yael in addition to 2 cats and 2 dogs lived.

One evening last week, Efi turned the robot on and left the house. When she returned, she tried to turn it back though it kept beeping and getting stuck. When she opened the machine, she discovered that the machine prevented the small viper from occupying teh homne and hurting her young children. “It was probably looking for a place to hide in one of the rooms because of the upcoming winter.” Eli explains.

The snake was wound thoroughly around the cleaning wheel and has received injuries to his head. By the time Eli returned home, the viper died of its wounds.

Eli quickly informed iRobot of the situation who were excited to hear of the story and sent the Frida family a remote as compensation. “We were very lucky,” sums Eli. “If the snake would have hid in the house and bitten one of the children, it could have ended badly.”

Here are some pictures I found.  Hm, will I find a dead lizard or cockroach in my Roomba someday?

WARNING: not for the faint-hearted!

The awaited sequel of the vampire series – The Twilight Saga: New Moon did not fail to disappoint with their impressive graphics, artistic scenes and.. the love triangle romance of the 3 hottest Hollywood stars of the moment.

After the show, I couldn’t resist my temptation to ask Roxanne, “Who would you choose if you were Bella? The vampire or the werewolf? Edward or Jacob?”

She thought for a moment and replied, “It’s hard, as both are very loving, and sacrificial. They are willing to lay down their lives for Bella and are great protectors and lovers. Both left Bella sacrificially for her good in order not to hurt her.”

I agreed with her observations, but told her I will go for Jacob.

Naturally, she asked why?

Allow me to just turn on my objective switch even though this is just a make believe motion picture which should really be taken with a pinch of salt. If this love triangle would come alive right now in reality, Jacob is the outright choice, the better man to pick of the two.

The logic behind is simple. Jacob is more ’mature’ in his approach to love. While Edward and Bella fell instinctively for each other in Twilight (sequel 1) without knowing much about each other, other than the physical attributes and the feel good mysterious vibes, Jacob has been really consistent in his interest for Bella for a long time. And the best of it all, he enjoyed a great friendship with her! Throughout their friendship, Jacob behaved like the perfect gentleman – he was non-imposing, did not cross the boundaries of a friend, yet deadly consistent and always there for her when she needs him. For someone to exhibit such traits for an extended period of time, it tells you something about his character, and his maturity.

And this is something Edward seemingly lacked. The most obvious giveaway stems from the fact that he tried to kill himself after he thought Bella was dead. The result? He almost got himself, his most beloved Bella and their good friend Alice, killed all at once! Not to mention the further repercussions out of the involvement of the other Cullens and the werewolves. Killing oneself for whatever reason - yes, even for love, is never right and is a sign of emotional insecurity and instability. Such a person is never ready for love. Just ask those who had experiences of girlfriends and boyfriends threatening suicide. It’s a romantic disaster in the making. Maturity is definitely far out in the woods.

So the obvious hands down winner (save for the fact that this mature boy is only 16! but really acts like 26 instead), is werewolf Jacob! *Claps!*

Maturity is one pre-requisite to a strong, sacrificial love. Marriage is not just a moment of declaration of wedding vows, but a lifelong sharing of life, including struggles and woes. There are bound to be challenges, quarrels, disagreements and temptations that can redirect your love if followed. Marriage is definitely not for the fainthearted. In fact, with the recent Tiger Woods affairs, Hugh Hefner (owner of Playboy Magazine) has made this statement - marriage is just a convenience. It’s very nice for raising kids, but the notion that monogamy lasts forever is a wish!

Of course Hugh’s statement wouldn’t stand with men of character. Unless a man is a true man in his character, with self respect for himself and family, and truthfulness for which he means what he says, and unless a man is truly mature in his love, it will be hard for him to stand the test of character and true love, to build a happy marriage.

A relationship based on feelings will never last, as no instinctive lovely dovey feelings can last 24/7 for a lifetime. Only feelings grounded by commitment and decision can, and a mature person will see to that that he means his decision, and he means his commitment.

Be wise. Wait for the right person (upright, mature and secure), and the right time (marriage is the only time one really makes a decision to commit), before you give off yourself  fully (in your emotions and your body) and irreversibly to another.

Even as a young man, I know how badly I struggled with pornography and masturbation. The innate lustful nature in me governs this aspect of my life. I am a good kid with a reasonable background, but when it comes to sexual desires, the monstrous hormones seemingly take control of it all. Pornography was an addiction.

However, as I mature in life, my deep hunger for love and my increasing enlightenment of my insecurities prompted me to pursue all knowledge related towards the fulfillment of that love I so seek. I guess that’s when all my sexuality knowledge roots began to build up.

After experiencing a major heartbreak because of my jealousy issues, I made a promise to break from all forms of dating for a year to settle them. That year became foundational as I learned self control over emotional instability, and how true love is really sacrificial, yet healthy and secure.

My one year break turned into years of self development and even ventures into knowledge of all things sexuality and relationship related, so as to help other people as well. When I finally met Rox, I knew I was ready for courtship.

However, those monstrous desires that occupied me when I was younger are still within me, only that I have now cultivated a good amount of self control through those years of development. At that time, I have gained control over pornography addiction, but was still victim to it once in a while. When I was pursuing Rox, I knew I had to do what is responsible and most healthy for our eventual relationship. I know I must let her in to the most vulnerable part of me.

I still remember the email I wrote to her. I braved through the risk of letting her know it all. It was hard admitting that I was perhaps, not as ideal? Yet I know I have to do it for the good of our relationship. If I were to hide it from her before we even start, I cannot imagine what things I will hide from her in future. The mistakes this avoidance may potentially result, are grave and if committed, are irreversibly damaging. Also, as a purist for love (as I shared on how hard I sought to find fulfilling love), I know I would never find real intimacy and connectedness with her, if I can’t tell her what my biggest weakness is. This is my reason for being truthful and honest with her. I know I have to be courageous and face this battle.

Rox’s response to me was very encouraging. She thanked me for letting her into this part of my life, and we acknowledged the challenges ahead realistically. Through the years, because of her love for me, and my commitment to account to her out of love, we enjoyed a free, real and intimate love and friendship.

But as guys, the roving eyes are the hardest to tame. Though I can say that I am accountable and free from pornography and masturbation, I can’t say that I am 24/7 free from ‘my roving eyes’. Temptations are everyday and everywhere in this colourful world and we may not always be alert  24/7 to restrain from a 2nd look. Out of convenience and to avoid conflicts, I gave myself excuses and kept myself from accounting about ‘my roving eyes’. I thought, ”I am already doing what most guys wouldn’t do and who can stop their eyes from roving 24/7 anyway?”

One fine day, in a ‘not so alert’ moment, my eyes followed the trail of a lady while Rox was away. The next thing I know, Rox was right in front of me and caught my roving eyes. I felt totally embarrassed. Her womanhood was insulted and I can understand why. That night, she shy away from our usual conversational connection. Something is impaired in our relationship and I am not willing to live with this. The only other way, it seems, is if I change – no, not in my nature (as that can’t be changed), but in my accountability and letting of her into the vulnerable parts of my life again, so that we can struggle together, try together, and grow together.

“Ok darling, I promise you from now on, I’ll tell you my struggles with my roving eyes, but you also promise me, that if I share with you honestly, you will not react ok. I have to admit, I know I am not able to stop this completely, because it’s in our nature as men, but I will try, and as long as I try, and with your support, I should do better.”

With her understanding and assurance of my love for her, she saw the distinction of my love and my weakness, clearer than ever before. We clinched another deal towards the building of our intimacy and love in our relationship. I understand also that to safeguard our intimacy, I do have to make a deliberate choice to put in better efforts to stop my gaze from hovering to the naturally attractive objects.

I know deep down, I will never trade our love away for any substitutes. I will fight with my life to safeguard my love and intimacy with my wife.

The reward I get, is freedom emotionally and psychologically, and a more intimate, loving physical relationship.

Guys can never remove the temptation of lust totally. They can only fight the struggle, and they will only do so if they have sound moral, familial or marital values and a self-controlled character. So girls, choose carefully with maturity, using your head, rather than your heart. You are dealing with guys - all guys come with this inherent lustful weakness, and this will be one great hurdle in your relationship and marriage.

Most leopards do not want to change it’s spots, some leopards are trying but not ready yet, while those leopards who have changed, they will show it with clear signs of good fruits in their lives.  This breed of men makes it a point to stay true to their wives and family, against their natural struggles. The more they make it a point to keep their wives involved in their lives by accounting to her their struggles, the more strength they gain through the deeper intimacy, connection and support of their wives. Wives play an important part here: the more they understand and listen without judgmental views or harsh reactions, the more their husbands find it easy to open up and be vulnerable. It’s not just communication that keeps the marriage fire strong, it’s deep, open and vulnerable communication. Such communication builds real intimacy, which is the connection every person yearns, and this is where men find the fulfillment and contentment to overcome the innate lustful nature. We will realize that lust is a poor substitute to deep connected love and intimacy.

Lust is not the most fulfilling thing in life, love is.

You must have read about Tiger Woods and his strings of affairs.

Did you also read of Joanne Soh’s column in response of Mr Woods escapades: “My mum is right Men are pigs“ in the New Paper?

Her column received a barrage of replies via the forum, most of whom criticizes her for putting men down and calling them ‘pigs’.

While I am not about to add ‘wood’ to the fire, I wish to share our personal experience in dealing with what Joanne So(h) talked about  - the ’roving eyes’ of men.

Let me start by just acknowledging as a man, that Joanne is right. Man are indeed born with roving eyes. Me included.

That has got Joanne to equate men with ‘pigs’. Well, I used to tell my wife, or other women whom I have a decent friendship with, or girls whom I wish to impart protective knowledge to, that all men are, (are you ready for this), ‘beasts’.

Why do I term my very own gender group of people (which includes me) with such a animalistic term? This, (and I hope all you girls out there are listening) is because men has a natural instinctive ability to divorce love from sex. This practically also means that man has an inability to stop lusting even after he has found, love. Realistically, it means that it is so easy for a man, even after he has been married to his beloved wife and had both love and sex from her, to still be drawn to other lust infecting objects.

Which probably explains why Mr goody image Tiger Woods, despite having it all, you name it - talent; money; fame; a hot wife etc, could not stop himself from succumbing to the lure of lust.

And it’s not that these men who succumb to lust does not love their wife. Many of them do treasure their sweetheart whom they married and the family and home which they have painstakingly built up. They wish to be good husbands and fathers. Without their wives, some of them can even feel lost, inadequate or incomplete.

But despite the love and kindness these husbands harbour for their wives and family, they can’t deny that they have this innate attraction to ‘those things that looked good and is naturally attractive’ to their eyes. It can be as simple as how a child is attracted to bright colours, how tourists are all attracted to breathtaking sights – men are attracted to any visual images or sights that brews lust in them.

Before you womenfolk cast a stone at us, I wish you to understand, it’s no fault of us, really. Some of us wish that we are not born this way. But we are. And there ain’t anything we can do to change this fact.

The adage, “Men gives love for sex, women gives sex for love,” holds true.

The majority of men I know, kind of give up on this need to struggle against their innate lust nature. It’s just too hard or impossible to fight, they feel. Many of them also embrace their gender unique nature and see it as a norm to acquire lust as long as it does not harm. And they believed that as long as they don’t tell, they won’t harm. Among my guy friends, I know it’s not uncommon for infidelity to take place, even if they are married, especially when overseas, in Army or out for some function or pubbing with other guys.

Ironically, many wives played a part to compromise their guy’s moral resolve. For example, I have heard many times of how some wives find it ok to engage in pornography watching with their husbands. Some so called relationship experts or magazines even termed it healthy fun. This is furthest from the truth. When guys engage in pornography whether with or without their wives, they are feeding that innate lustful nature. That which is being fed, grows. The guy that feeds the desire of seeing pretty naked women in the films is more likely to give in to tantalizing temptations in real life. After all, it seems like his wife approves of it by showing understanding to his boredom and allowing other women to come in through visual images. And lust can never be fed enough. You can never finally feel satisfied or full after tasting a certain number of women. The insatiable appetite finds it’s best excuse to engage in it’s same course over and over again. This is the same reason why when couples engage in pre-marital sex, they compromises the guy’s resolve to keep sex within marriage as well.

So how do Roxanne and me cope with this innate weakness of mine? I will share more in my next post!

One of these books – Jim Collins’ Good to Great: Why Some Companies Make the Leap And Others Don’t, is a book which is changing my life right now. It’s one of those that gives me real headaches… Every chapter is filled with many concepts & philosophies that it takes a while for me to digest. And like what Jim Collins himself put it, the book is not a study of business or a business book; it is about discovering the timeless principles of good to great.

One of the stories that impacted me most is the interview he did with Admiral Jim Stockdale.

A brief background: Admiral Jim Stockdale was the highest ranking US military officer caught as POW during the Vietnam war. He was tortured over 20 times during his 8-year imprisonment. He did everything he could to create conditions that would help fellow prisoners survive the torture, while at the same time fight against his captors in their attempts to use prisoners for their own propaganda.

Jim Collins asked Admiral Stockdale how did he deal with the situation when he did not know what would be the end of him.

And Stockdale simply said, “I never lost faith in the end of the story. I never doubted not only that I would get out, but also that I would prevail in the end and turn the experience into the defining event of my life, which, in retrospect, I would not trade.”

Then Collins asked who did not make it out, and Stockdale replied, “The optimists. They were the ones who said, ‘We’re going out by Christmas.’ And Christmas would come, and Christmas would go. Then they’d say, ‘We’re going to be out by Easter.’ And Easter would come, and Easter would go. And then Thanksgiving, and then it would be Christmas again. And they died of a broken heart.”

Stockdale went on to say,

“This is a very important lesson. You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end – which you can never afford to lose – with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.”

Collins went on to draw this conclusion:

Life is unfair – sometimes to our advantage, sometimes to our disadvantage. We will all experience disappointments and crushing events somewhere along the way,  setbacks for which there is no “reason”, no one to blame. It might be disease; it might be injury; it might be an accident; it might be losing a loved one; it might be getting swept away in a political shake-up; it might be getting shot down over Vietnam and thrown into a POW camp for 8 years. What separates people, Stockdale taught me, is not the presence or absence of difficulty, but how they deal with the inevitable difficulties of life. In wrestling with life’s challenges, the Stockdale Paradox (you must retain faith that you will prevail in the end and you must also confront the brutal facts of your current reality) has proved powerful for coming back from difficulties, not weakened, but stronger – not just for me, but for all those who’ve learned the lesson and tried to apply it.

Story and quotations are extracted from Jim Collins, Good to Great: Why Some Companies Make the Leap… And Others Don’t (New York: HarperCollins Publishers, 2001), 83-86

Applying this Stockdale principle to marriage, or even relationships – are some of us heading into it with the impression that it will be ‘la la land’ all the way? I hope we are not disillusioned with the reality. Great efforts are needed to even get yourself ready and prepared as a sacrificial, selfless lover and giver, so that you will be able to play your part to a long lasting relationship.

Leo and I started off with at least 1 conflict a week in our first few months of relationship, but we never lose faith that we will stand the test and get married, because we know our love for each other is real. Yet at the same time, we totally understand we are 2 different people drawing close together, and that conflicts are inevitable. We are bent on sharing our differences and resolving our conflicts, so that nothing is swept under the carpet. Resolving them, we can only grow closer in understanding of each others’ uniqueness. We can only grow deeper in intimacy. Today, our frequency of conflicts are much lesser, as we have less issues to iron out than ever before.

We are living out Stockdale’s principal in our marriage, without us even knowing it!

He took me to JB for a short getaway. It is our first time driving into Malaysia and we were really excited. You see, we are pretty adventurous people; we’d explored many big cities and countries on our own and was still manageable, so we didn’t think much of the JB town. Besides, it’s just Malaysia. So, garang we are, and lost we are.

We armoured ourselves with the “Latest 2008″ PRINTED map. Yup, printed, not GPS. We thought since it was “Latest 2008″, it couldn’t be too inaccurate, but boy, we were wrong! What is one straight road on the map, can, in reality split into 2 or 3 roads! We’d some difficulty getting to our hotel and a shopping mall but soon found our way, and so, we grew bolder.

The next day, after a successful drive to Tebrau Jusco, we got lost while on our way back! We were trying to get on the opposite side of the highway which we came from, but we just can’t seem to find the way. We looked to our map. It proves itself useless. Then, we began to rely on road signs. However, after almost 1.5 hr of driving, the familiar road signs disappear and we seemingly are on a highway to Malacca and KL! We sensed something was really wrong, so without much thought, we drove out at the next exit. To our horror, we saw a toll booth ahead! We didn’t knew where we were. We didn’t pass by any toll at all. Where will the road after the toll leads us to? Should we u-turn? We began to feel a little anxious. If not for Leo who has work the next morning, we would have enjoy our mini adventure, and didn’t mind driving up to KL. Now, we really need to rush home.

At the toll station, we flood the lady with our onslaught of questions. She told us we are actually on the North-South highway!!! Our jaws dropped. How did we end up there? We didn’t know we’d driven so far! But the good news is, we are on our way to JB Central. Phew!

But the saga didn’t end there.

The highway got us back to town real fast, so we weren’t in a bad rush after all. Still feeling adventurous and high on adrenalin, Leo and I decided to do a quick drive to a small town which we frequent. We got there rather easily. After a toilet break, we were eager to figure out how we got lost from Tebrau and quickly hopped on the car to figure the maps. Just when we were deeply engrossed with the maps, suddenly, a man knock on our door! We jumped, at the suddenness. And as if that wasn’t shocking enough, we realized our car doors weren’t locked!! Perhaps we were still recovering from the highway adventure. Perhaps we were too familiar with the place. No matter what, we just couldn’t believed we’d let our guards down and forgot to lock our doors! To cut the long story short, we locked our doors IMMEDIATELY and dismissed the man after we knew he was trying to beg from us. We saw him walking towards a black MPV parked behind us, and disappeared. The MPV also drove away shortly after that.

What was the man’s real intentions? Is he really to beg or does he have something more sinister in mind? Did he board the MPV? If so, it means he has accomplices. How many of them were there? We will never figure these out. As we pondered what could have happened to us, we really thank God for His protection. We will not let this incident deter us from future adventures, but yes, we will pray and trust God, and be more careful in our next road trip.

Malaysia, anyone?

The really sad thing is, even for those who are already married or have a partner at home, 39.7% of them continued to have multiple sexual partners in Australia!

Rox and I just had a discussion 2 nights ago. We discussed openly about adulterous issues and if it happens to either of us, would we be able to take it. I appreciate it that she expressed her emotions to me. We always pride in ourselves that our intimacy is first built on our emotional connection. There’s absolutely nothing to hide between the 2 of us. Yes, I even share with her and ask for her forgiveness when my eyes wandered and strayed. I do that to keep our intimacy alive, so that she will always be my deepest soul mate. In such a relationship, sex isn’t precedence, but is the icing on the cake, whose foundation is built on emotional intimacy, with pillars of commitment, faithfulness and trust. Exchange that for sex with a dozen multiple partners? I think what I have is a dozen times more fulfilling. Flippant sex simply steals away your ability to be truthful with your partner. If you can’t be truthful with him/her, you hide! Behind a wall! You wear a mask! There’s no real intimacy and trust in such a relationship…

Another shocking statistics is that out of those who arrived in Down Under, and are single, 40.9% reported inconsistent condom use and 24% had unprotected sex with multiple partners!

The common initial response of some here could be, the message of contraception is missing. Perhaps the Brits have not been educated about contraception?

Unlikely.

Britain is one country that splashed out millions to salvage their failing marriages and families falling apart. Their sex education has been carried out for many years and this social issue has captured nation wide attention. Just think about Alfie Patten & Chantelle, the 13-year old father and 14-year old mother who shocked the world by becoming parents, of course, until Alfie’s name is cleared that he wasn’t the father, much to his disappointment that Chantelle has a string of teen boys that she has slept with. It happened in Britain. Britain, much closely followed by USA, has been voted to be the worst place to bring up your kids, and increasingly, their politicians are acknowledging that their problems can be mainly attributed to the failing of marriages and falling apart of families in their country.

So are the Brits not using the condoms because of a lack of education? Absolutely not! In fact, the common trend found around the world is that knowledge of contraception does not equate to the use of it. And, who ever say condoms are 95% safe, other than the condom manufacturers, are people who are absolutely ill-informed!

And I wonder what results will be yielded if they survey these holidaying Brits – do you currently have an STD or have you ever been diagnosed with one?

I believe if they are truthful, you gonna get some shocking results! After all, STDs are reaching epidemic proportions in Britain and with US having estimated 40-50% population down with an STD, Britain can’t be too far behind.

Who knows, perhaps the reason why they are not using condom is that they already know they are infected! The danger is not on these flippant Brits, but on the unsuspecting Australians!

I absolutely feel sorry for those faithful spouses, who will get infected eventually because of a whole nation of people playing in infected playgrounds.

I hope Singapore never gets mentioned in such a way as above. I am proud that many of our youths will stand by their parents’ ideals, but yet, the trend is becoming more and more worrying. We could be at this critical make or break juncture. We need something radical in Singapore so that our youths can stand up with ideals that shake the world. The world will look to us when they see our difference. Singapore can be leaders of influence to the world’s youths, if we can survive this global tipping point, with radical messages that urge transformation. Otherwise, we will slip like any other of our developed counterparts.

Are there any ears listening?

Was just sharing with a group of friends telling them about how thankful I am for Roxanne. 4 months plus into marriage and after resolving a recent conflict, I feel closer towards her than ever before. It’s amazing as I have always thought we were close enough, but just feel closer even now. It’s my wish that our marriage will only get closer as we grow together.

Our closeness in marriage is really because of our freedom in sharing how we feel towards each other not just in good times, but in bad times as well. We are all not perfect and make mistakes at times. When any party said something that hurts the other, we take active steps to voice it out sensitively, apologize, and should that not be enough because the hurt is deep, we would try our best to make restitution for the other. Such an apology shows our sincerity, and our love that is willing to take a sacrificial role for each other. Both Rox and me have both played such a role before, according to our needs at that particular situation. Because of this, conflicts make us stronger. And we get closer along the way.

Because of this, we have healthy, blissful intimacy in our marriage. Physical intimacy is built on emotional intimacy, which comes when we have freedom in our hearts to share towards one another. That’s what makes a marriage more alive and fulfilling than short flings, because no one shares that kind of emotional intimacy you can build with your wife, if you devote your heart into your marriage. This intimacy within a trusting, accepting and close person whom you love and share the commitment with, is more freeing, and mutiple times more precious than any other kind of short term intimacy, you can build with anybody.

Don’t find substitutes for the true love you look for. It can be possible. Learn to live right, love right. Your life is in your hands. Your love is yours to create. Live your life lovingly to the fullest!

It was a big joy to see Jiajun finally marrying Basia today.

I still remember those days where we share bits and pieces about our hits and misses on girls. Like most people, there were journeys of disappointments. Then almost about the same period, it’s as if we have matured, we both found someone that we thought was really worthy of exploring. We both saw something deeper, more than the superficiality of good looks. Today as I saw him present the top 20 reasons why he loved Basia, I can’t help but concur with him on how wonderful Basia will be a great match with him.

I believe such journeys do usually reflect many guys’ processes of growing up and maturing. From a boy who just wanted love for the sake of self gratification, to a man who knows how to give love, be responsible to make committed decisions, and be a protector to his spouse and family. Along the way, many heartbreaks, many rejections, and moments when you feel whether it will ever be your day. And this is one thing that I always tell guys:

If you are a good mature guy who knows how to love and communicate with woman, there’s no reason why you can’t find another half.

Woman are simple creatures. They like guys who are genuine, sincere, sweet. A man who knows how to love maturely and communicate sensitively, he will be an attractive man to a grown woman ready to settle down.

In this search, know that failures are necessary for you to finally meet the right one. Rejections does not mean that you are unworthy of love. It simply means that the right one has not turned up yet. And if the right one’s not here yet, it’s only good that we get rejected (I bet you haven’t heard this?!), so that hopefully and ultimately, we will find our best complement!

To all couples who have walked the tough journey and found their true love, a big cheers!

I was really impressed with the lyrics. He wrote it according to our framework of love – and now the framework of marriage – which we build our relationship on. One of the rules we set during courtship was to never speak of break up. We want to stay committed to the relationship, even through the difficult times. It was really challenging. There were moments when we both felt, “This is it. We not gonna make it”, and really wished to call it quits, but this rule held us back. It serves as reminder of our commitment to one another, and that we didn’t begin this relationship only to see it end. And so, with tears and sweat, we painstakingly worked through every issue that comes our way. It’s hard work, but it’s all worth it.

Then, there was the tune of the song. It’s really sweet. Leo told me God gave it to him in a dream. In the dream, Leo was humming the tune, and my father-in-law who heard it, loves it so much that he too began humming the song!

So without further ado, I present to you the song, “最美的 The Most Beautiful”.

Aikky, thanks for helping us with the video! Even the editing takes up much time and you gotta rip and re-rip the videos. Thank you so much! You are such a wonderful blessing.

However, I was a little surprised when most in the group collectively responded with…should I say, ‘not too encouraging’ response. Why? Many of them commented I was still in my honeymoon phase and that it’s a matter of time before my ‘bliss’ fades into monotonousness and unending responsibilities, tasks. I do remember too that someone mentioned, “wait till you have your first child…”

It reminds too of another friend I met during reservist who has been married for 3 years, and was already sick of marriage life with his spouse…

I smiled as there’s nothing I can do to prove myself. I know that these are common viewpoints out there in this world but I really wanted to say, “Rox and me will be different”, and that if there’s anyone’s marriage who will work out well, I know it will be us!

Why do I have such confidence when most people feel that marriage is a gamble? It is because I know the framework of love where I build my relationship with Rox is one that will last. We build our love on basis of commitment and friendship, such that when beauty fades, we have something that will last the test of time.

I took a long time to find someone like Rox, someone that I know can be my best friend. She shares my passion in people, compassion for the hurt, mission for the world. She shares my values in love and commitment, in saving ourselves for each other. We share many similar interests like taking walks, communicating, cracking silly jokes or doing silly things together, travelling and exploring. She’s intelligent and can understand my concepts.

We may be simple, yet very disciplined in love. We have decided to walk in love, beyond just falling in love, and we work hard daily to stay emotionally connected, so that our friendship fire burns brightly.

I can’t prove myself now. I don’t have to. Time will tell

Well, it’s a long story but nevertheless exciting. The journey was full of adventure and miraculous happenings. It is, to me, the best love story ever told.

We really wish we could share all the exciting bits as much as we can but sometimes, we either miss out this or forget that. One of our brother, Julian has helped put together all the necessary details and a recording neatly into a beautiful slide show. Thank you bro! You sacrificed many nights for us. We know we can’t thank you enough. We really appreciate you!

And we wanna give all glory to God, whom I affectionately refer to as the Divine Romancer. If not for Him, Leo and I probably won’t be together. He is really the best Matchmaker. 

P/s: We didn’t plan our wedding such that it fulfills the prophecy. In fact, Leo intended to propose earlier so that we may wed before he turns 30! However, we faced some obstacles (read it here!) and things just fall divinely into place that our wedding day – 23 May 09 – was slightly past 2 years from the date we received the prophecy! We are now looking forward to having our baby girl in one year’s time. 

In a society like Spore, it’s hard to practice work life balance. We have a culture where it’s the norm to work late past your working hours. In many companies, when you leave on time, you will be frowned upon, though there’s actually nothing wrong with leaving on time and everything right about it.

People often measure and equate working long hours to being more dedicated to your job. Often, employers value such workers and reward them with faster promotions, pay rise etc. In such a capitalist driven society where money is viewed as the source of every good thing, it is no wonder employees would sacrifice their time for family, leisure, rest, social etc, so as to work harder to be promoted faster.

Though certain jobs may really require such dedication, I for one, wish that not one single married person in Spore will ever need to sacrifice their most precious family time for work. I understand the occasional need when events are nearing and projects are due, but it should never be the norm, even if you hold an important job. Rest and time for family, should always be catered for, for whatever the importance of the job, nothing should come in the way of your union with your closest loved ones. I admire US president Obama in this aspect cause even in the busiest of jobs, his wife and family seem closely involved and connected. That’s something all busy high level Singaporeans can learn from.

I faced much challenges these last 3 weeks as I was on reservist and had to attend a commander’s course. This course is highly disciplined and required much of our time and commitment. I practically woke up at 5+ am everyday and reached home close to 8pm every night. I burnt 2 extra nights as well staying in camp one of the 2 nights and reaching home after midnight the next. It was tiring. Some times, after reaching home, I was so tired that I had to retire at 9+pm. Clearly, my time with my wife was affected.

But I was glad that I fought hard and was granted off on 2 days which I can spend with my wife. It was a hurdle to cross with the concern that the commanders of the course would not understand or even care about the importance of my family time, but I asked anyway, tactfully at a ripe time and with clarity on why I think I needed the off. It surprised me when they first agreed to allow me to go for a ‘marriage course’ with my wife last Friday. Then, I fought for off again yesterday and they granted it to me today, which is supposedly the last day of the course. I had a wonderful rest and time with wife today, celebrating our 2nd month wedding anniversary.

Sometimes, our culture does not permit us to live by our priorities easily. But for me, I have learned a good lesson through this that I will have to fight for what I want. If I value time with my wife, I may have to ‘ACT in faith’ so as to get it. Trying never fails, but if we don’t try, we have already failed.

Will you fight hard so as to keep the things closest to you strong always?

sorry we hadn’t post for a while. Other than work and adjusting to our new life together, Leo and I had been busy attending seminars by highly sought after speakers. One of such is the ‘Journey to Intimacy’ Facilitator Training Program by Dr Huang Wei-Jen.

Dr Huang is a world renowned clinical psychologist who has been invited all over the world to conduct psychological and relationship seminars and speeches. To be able to listen to him is a treat. He is so humble that one wouldn’t believe this is the same man whose CV boasts of many high-profile work such as being the plenary speaker of the UN International Family Conference and providing psychological training and consultation to top level officials of China & Malaysia governments. The Malaysia Government even want him to train their Master Trainers in order to provide premarital education to 10,000 couples.

‘Journey to Intimacy’ is a program developed by Dr Huang to

• help people deepen their understanding of love and intimacy,
• explore the powerful subconscious forces behind fatal attraction,
• understand how family of origin, gender and personality differences contributes to conflict, and
• develop skills to manage conflict and enhance safe connection in order to get the love you want.

It encapsulates 10 of the most advanced marriage therapies and past 30 years of clinical research to help people understand love and intimacy.

Leo and I have now completed the Facilitator Training Program and will be conducting a class soon. Stay tuned for more info or email us at leoandroxanne@gmail.com if you keen to join us. =)

I especially liked the shot of my dad crying. I’ve never seen him shed a single tear in my 30 years of living with him. He’s a tough man. He did not spare the rod when we deserve it and always seem to have things under control, no matter what the circumstances are. Also, he used to work really long hrs in order to provide for us. And I mean really, really long hrs… but I’ve never once hear him complain about the little sleep he gets. Unfortunately, it is this same selfless sacrifice and utter sense of responsibility for the family that brought a distance between he & I. Back in those days, we seldom see each other, and even if I do, he’s always asleep. If I’d to talk to him, I would have to stay up late to wait for him. Each time, he would tell me the fascinating stories that had happened at his workplace. He would also encourage me to take on challenges which many parents probably would discourage, such as traveling alone. He’s a different dad. Those moments, though few, are very precious to me.

For that, I really want to thank him for all that he has done. However, it’s not our family’s culture to be expressive or affectionate, so for me to give a thanksgiving speech at the wedding was an uphill task. I tried to prepare something but nothing came to mind. I decided to trust God to lead me to say something that will bless his heart, and God never fails.

The result? It’s evident in the photo.

And we thought the story of the house ends there…. Later did we know that God has more to show us.

Today, we saw news that HDB resale prices went up.

Business @ AsiaOne HDB resale prices upFeedback from the ground is that demand in the matured estates far exceeds supply. -ST Wed, Jul 01, 2009 The Straits Times By Jessica Cheam PRICES of HDB flats staged a surprising comeback, rising 1.2 per cent in the second quarter after dipping 0.6 per cent in the first quarter this year. Flash estimates from the Housing Development Board (HDB) on Wednesday showed the resale price index rising to 140 – an all-time record high. Market analysts attribute this increase to the continued demand for HDB resale flats, where cash needed to buy a flat, or cash-over-valuation (COV), has come down since the global economic fallout began last year.

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When we saw this, we were incredibly surprised and thankful at the same time.

Surprised because no one expected the market to recover that quickly. When we were shopping for our house last year, many investment savvy people were telling us that we should wait till this year as the prices will definitely drop. Leo’s parents too advised us to stay in their flat till this year before we hunt for our house at its best prices.

Thankful because God is good and led us to buy our house at the ‘perfect’ timing.

First of all, at the timing when we bought our flat, COV has reduced drastically. It used to be >$20K just months back before our purchase but we got ours at $5K!

Secondly, we were eligible to get an extra $25K enhanced government grant, due to govt’s 2009 recession-friendly budget to help 1st time home buyers! The timing where we bought our flat was actually about 1 or 2 weeks earlier, but we appealed for them to include us in the grant and it was successful!

Thirdly, after we got our house, we started our renovation and all, and really finished renovating 2 weeks prior to our wedding. That 2 weeks break to our wedding was precious as it allowed us to clean our house and pack our stuffs in, before our guests visit our place on wedding day. We needed that 2 weeks absolutely to get the house in order!

So had we purchase our flat earlier (as what we had originally wished), we would have gotten it at a higher COV and we probably would not be eligible for the govt’s enhanced grant.

Had we purchase our flat later, we probably would not have enough time to move in before our wedding day or to have guests attend our wine party that same night!

And now having gotten the house at the ‘just right’ timing, news reported that prices are beginning to climb again!

We have learned over the years that our God is absolutely a God of timing! And our surrenderance to Him in all ways -  which often requires a willingness to pay the price of suffering even if needed should God lead us into it – has allowed us to receive His best blessings and not miss it.

We had almost wanted to get another cheap and ’2nd best’ house as time was running out for us but we just didn’t sense it was from God. We then decided to surrender our desire to buy a house before wedding, that even if we should end up with no house, we will accept that it’s God’s will for us to explore other alternatives.

Even our spouse, our most precious gift from God for each other, came at a ripe time decided by Him, when both of us were ready. Give Glory to Him!